So, something happened the other day that hasnt happened to me many times in my life (thankfully). I felt like a failure. In part because i was, but thats beside the point. Most of the things ive ever done in life, even if i havent been the best at them, i havent been the worst, and im always determined enough to make SURE i dont fail. Its just who I am. Failure has never been acceptable to me, so while i might temporarily not be succeeding, i rarely feel like a failure. Until a few days ago.
So up until now, ive been cast in a small indie shooting this summer. Its not a paying gig, its probably not going to be the biggest deal in the world, (although i hope it does well) but none-the-less its been keeping me on my toes with rehearsals and memorization and what not, i.e. practicing, and its always exciting being a part of a new project. Anyhoo, the character that i was cast for, is the first real lead role ive been offered. the character is, or i feel anyway, a deeper character than meets the eye. I dont want to give away details about the story because thats not my place, but lets just say my interpretation was a semi serious character who has experienced a lot of hardship, and who tries to use his suave as a way of protecting himself against letting people in. Anyway, to make a long story short, the director/writer thought he should be less, deep and more just careless and excited, "more aladdin!" he kept saying. Well, in my opinion (not that it matters, hes the writer) the human condition is a lot deeper than that. If you had experienced the kind of hardship this character had experienced, you would definitely have some issues.
By now, youre probably wondering where failure comes in. Well, after rehearsing since january, hours of building a character and a history, i was told the "investors" wanted to go with an actor that stood in for me on one of the days that i missed rehearsal. Nevermind the fact that the "investors" never saw me act, yet said they liked this guy's interpretation of the character better than my own. I repeat, they never saw me act. I mean these guys are good, if they can tell they dont like someones rendition of a character without even seeing it. Thats incredible. Also it should be mentioned that my committment to the project was in question early on because my schedule continued to conflict with rehearsal times. I feel like from that point onward it was never the same. In the beginning, the director/writer was super stoked on my interpretation and rarely said a word to me in rehearsal regarding changes he wanted me to make, but all of the sudden when they had to come down on me for missing rehearsals "the character needed to change."
Now there are two different emotions at play here. One has me feeling like, man dont worry about it, they were just still pissed at you missing rehearsals were afraid you werent gonna make shoot dates etc.. The other part of me is like, "wow, maybe im not good enough. Maybe i really just didnt "get" the character changes they wanted me to make. If i cant stay on an indie shooting in freaking Arkansas, how do i ever expect to be legitamate" The wind has/had (its been a few days now) successfully been taken out of my sails. I HATE that feeling. Ive felt it only one other time in my life really, and that was when i didnt make the basketball team in 8th grade. Yes 8th grade. Im not used to that! Im not used to not being able to do, or being told i cant do something i put my mind to. That isnt me, which makes this whole situation 10x harder. In a way its a relief, because there was definitely still some weirdness in the air on their side, but i feel so cheated. Ive been preparing for SO long. It isnt fair. But life isnt fair, i know that. Even though when they cut me, they told me that they disagreed with the investors decision, and that THEY thought i was
really talented, is that really the truth? Do they really think im good or do they just not have the sand to tell me that i couldnt cut it. A lot of people are afraid theyre gonna hurt your feelings and wont say the things that need to be said. If they thought i was as good as they said i was, wouldnt they fight for me? The last few days has had me questioning what im trying to accomplish, my own ability, If im really good enough, and if i have what it takes.
Well after a lot of time thinking about everything, the answer is yes. To all. And while i dont know that for a fact, Its the attitude in place thats important. I am driven. I am determined. If im not good enough i will be. If i dont have what it takes now, I will. Whats one persons opinion? Especially in acting! Ive heard tons of successeful actors say, its not the jobs that you book that decide if youre gonna be an actor, its the jobs you dont book, and if youre willing to keep at it. I think this can be applied to every aspect of life, whether it be photography, acting, working for a big corporation, or even in your personal life. We arent defined by our successes, but our failures. That means were defined by what we do when we fail. Are we the type of person that persists until we get where we want to be? Or do we curl up and die at the first bump in the road? THAT, my friends defines character. Am i still bummed? absolutely. Am i learning from this experience? you better believe it. Not only about myself, and acting, but how to proceed professionally in a business sense when im working on a project in the future, and what guidelines should be established on the front end (i mean really, who cuts someone a few weeks before shooting after telling them they are nailing it for 4 months?).
I know im going to fail, especially in this industry. They say you get told no a hundred times for every yes you get in the entertainment industry, and i know that well enough from my music career. But its how we deal with that failure thats important. THAT Defines us. So fail, and fail again. That just means youre that much closer to succeeding.
-C
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