So im one of those people that feels like they have a lot to say, and a lot to do, but i never end up getting around to saying or doing anything. In fact, ive fallen victim to one of my previous blog posts about social media silencing our own voice. We get so involved in reading articles about stuff were interested in, that we never end up actually DOING anything. Well thats where ive been for the past year or so, and thats someething I intend on changing. This post is about being real, not only with others but being real with yourself. This has been on my mind lately, especially after having a conversation with a friend for over an hour about it just the other day. For some reason, we get in this mode (myself included) where we feel we SHOULD be doing something we arent, or we want to be doing something we arent, so we put up this front like we have everything under control. Ive done this so many times. In fact I have a couple embarassing confessions to make.
1. When I was in the band, we developed this idea that if people THOUGHT we were popular, it would become so. At one stage in the music industry, I think this idea might have been plausable. If you get out of a car with sunglasses on, wearing awesome clothes and keeping conversations short (which most stars do) I guess we felt that people would see us and think "wow they look like a big deal, why havent I known about them??" and that that would somehow miraculously lead into them wanting to spread our name like the plague. In reality, did we look like rockstars? No, we looked like douchebags.
2nd embarassing confession: Up until recently, and by recently I mean 6 months or so ago, I Did my best to keep people from knowing that I had a day job. Why? because i guess in my mind, I felt like, "Caleb you were in a touring band for 4 years. People from highschool think you made something of yourself, you cant have a job. Thats taking steps backwards not forwards." GET THIS! I even said to myself "your 2000 twitter followers wont want to follow you anymore if you arent caleb from the band and are now caleb from AT&T" Im serious! Isnt that ridiculous!?
And I did, I never took photos to post online from work, or wearing my work uniform. I never said, "whew just got off, ready to start the weekend." Nada, none of that. I WANTED people to think I was off doing COOl exlusive things that only musicians/wannabe actors/photographers do. So did it work? Well i ended the band with 2500 followers. I now have 2070 and falling. So have people stopped following me because Im too cool or what? NO. People stopped following because i stopped posting. What is there to post about when your off doing imaginary Wannabe things? If i had really been on some multimillion dollar set, then there would be plenty of things to talk about. If i had just shot a spread for advil for their next campaign, there would have plenty to share. But to be dreadfully brutally honest, ive been working a crappy 9-5 (or rather 830-630, or 830 its retail after all) For going on two years now. Im still pursuing things, but ive been so fake in the process. I cant even tell you how much cleaner i feel just writing this. I definitely feel i have some sort of complex to be loved or something, and that maybe thats what this stems from. But We shouldnt want people to love us for the THINGS we do. We should want to be loved for who we are. Im a dreamer. I want to be an actor. I want to take amazing timeless photographs. I want to make an impact. I want my life to MEAN something. I dont want to feel fake anymore. I dont want to act like im bigger than I am. I just want to be me, and you should just want to be you.
Thanks for reading.
PS. Im going to start blogging alot more, And im going to be me. For better or worse. I have a lot of flaws, and I dont intend on hiding any of them. Cant say i didnt warn you.
Also, I may start doing an occasional video blog on my youtube channel. Youtube.com/calebspillyards Check it out. I post anything from short films to an ongoing comedy webseries My "stepbrother" and I do.
Connect-Follow me! @calebspillyards
